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life blows

Bofa has f'd us up one side and down the other. We are now in the process of finding an attorney to sue them. The took all our money, on time, but keep charging us late charges because they can't seem to post the payments to our account - oh yeah, and despite sending all the paperwork to them in 3 times, they came back and denied us because they said we didn't turn in requested paperwork. Wow. They are a bunch of Corporate Asshats.

They keep sending us notices that we are in default despite the fact that we've paid everything in full and on time, as they keep adding late charges since they can't apply payments due to their Asshattery.

We were going to try to get pregnant again as Momma Donna will be moving in for sure in June. However I'm putting that either on hold or killing the whole thing since the suing of Bofa will take all the money we have and then some.

My work is the suck, but what's new there?

James is the best daddy ever

Xander is the most wonderful kid I ever could've hoped for.

I'm really focused and pissed off about Bofa. It is now consuming my every thought and I'm stressed out more than ever and constantly on the break of a melt down. No i do not exaggerated. If anyone out there knows of a great attorney or even what type of attorney we need to get this started please let me know.

I have never felt these helpless over my own life ever. I don't know how much longer i can keep going before i just stop.

Furkids don't get along so well, Shelby got nippy with Scully yesterday.

One of our fences is in need of fixing, we started a couple weekends ago, but even just fixing it is going to cost us money we don't have.

Oh yeah, my beloved Forlori was destroyed one day in July? August? I can't remember. James had it parked on the street at his work and some guy doing 35 or 40 ran into it. Hit it so hard the car moved up like 10+ feet down the street and 2-3 ft off the curb. It was a misty morning so you can tell in the pics where it was and where it ended up. So the guys insurance paid us more than i thought, since he totaled it, but that money was just sitting in the savings for one day getting another car. $3k will go to James' dad (money he lent us back in 09) and the other chunk will I guess now go to the legal fund of Hold BofA Accountable.

The Exploder could die at anytime - then we're totally hosed.

Winter is here which means higher power bills just when we don't need them.

I hate life sometimes.


Lalalala part 2

1 - Jamers finally got a new job working at a company he has worked for before up here making $1/hr more than when he worked there previously. This is an answer to a prayer that has been going for a year and a half! Downside is it's swing shift but we'll work through that issue - more important to keep the house.

2 - Loan Mod has still NOT gone through. We keep jumping through hoops for Bank of America. The evil Kelly bit who has been living in hell for the last 7 months wondering if she was going to keep her house wants the loan mod to go through and them not to find out about the new higher paying job. Really we don't even know how long the company is going be in business in this economy and technically Jamers is only part time. So we'll see after a couple of weeks how it is panning out before we say anything methinks.

3 - Xander continues to be awesome and now enjoys being read to and books. He'll pick them up and bring them over for Jamers or I to read to him. He loses interest quickly, but he just picks up another and brings it over.

4 - Xander is totally an outdoor kid. Even if its 40 and raining he points out the sliding glass door and babbles excitedly. When I have to say not today, he throws a fit. He knows that most times if socks go on shoes are next and going outside is right after that. In fact, if he really wants outside, he'll go find his shoes bring them over and start holding up his little feet. He is so fricken adorable.

5 - We've (Xandman and I) have been coloring off and on. Just Sunday was his first real squiggles back and forth, though he has done some artwork at daycare. Usually he just tries to eat the crayons, knowing I'm going to say "Not in the mouth" and he'll look at me, like I'm going to do it anyways and slowly he'll bring the crayon up to his mouth staring at me the whole time. Needless to say this battle goes off and on for about 5 minutes then I finally say, since you only want to eat the crayons they are going away and I put them back on the shelf. He gets upset, but oh well he'll learn eventually right? And when he wants to color he'll point up at the shelf where the paper and crayons are and babble excitedly.

6 - He doesn't really say any words yet and that worries me. He'll babble Dadadda and Momomoma but he doesn't really appear to understand what they mean. Sometimes it seems like he does, but then nothing. He does the same thing with waving "Hi" and saying "Hi". I'm hoping his vocab will start soon given though his body is ripped (calves like his father, pure fricken muscle and shoulders an biceps that you can see) and his intellect in other areas, I'm thinking vocab is just going to take a little bit longer.

7 - Can't remember when I last posted - we got bonuses at work. Paid off the hospital bill :)

8 - Getting $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ back in taxes this year. Going to stuff it back into savings and see how loan mod works out before moving ahead with spending any of it. We still owe Jamer's dad a butt load of money and the one credit card, but the house needs minor repairs, and goddesss knows we need a stove that works correctly and has all 4 burners. We'll just sit on it until everything plays out that is the best option right now.

9 - Going to walk in the Making Strides walk on Saturday May 8. Gotta get all my info together to send out. Need to pay bills but need info from Jamers to do it gosh darn it, not sure when I'll see him again.

10 - Jamers is working two basically full time jobs right now, he leaves at 5:20 in the morning for the job he has had for the last 4 months, than drives straight over to new job to work until 11 or 12 or whenever the work gets done. Hence the comment above don't know when I'm going to see him again. He'll only be working two jobs for the next couple of weeks so that he leaves the one on good terms and is eligible for rehire should he need to go back.

Otay 10 things - gotta go get things ready for the morning. Love to the World - Pickle

We live

Xander walks and giggles and eats and throws tantrums (just started, we don't pay attention though, let him know attention doesn't come from tantrums)
House mod is still in process - and well i just don't care if it goes through or not. Well really i love my house and want it until the day i die, but if we lose it - its not the end of the world.
I want to be out in the yard more than anything, very hard to do with limited (ie a few hours a week) when i can be outside and not watching Xandman. Wanted vegetable garden this year - shooting now for next year.
Conflicted as I don't want to work in the yard only to lose the house, so I'm trying to do yard things in containers when money and time allows, that way if we do leave, I can take it with us!
Got unexpected 2009 bonus! It was only a few hundred less than last year. We paid off the credit card with the furnace fix on it and i plan on paying off the rest of the hospital bill this month W00t for us!
Kyiv continues to pee in the house and he has tried to "dominate" Bazzy several times by mounting him from behind and pinning him to the floor as if to rape him. Slightly disturbing, but for a cat with no front claws he is very creative in holding his own with Baz and Scully.
Xander loves outside and wants to go out even in 40 degree whether. - I'm really gone love when he is just a tad older.
He has a new sandbox (with top) and a toddler swing set courtesy of my mom last weekend :) we can't spoil him or give him much really but she is over excited to (and insists upon it)
The Zoo is not the place to try to go on the first sunny day in months.
Jamers full time job continues and his part time job still happens occasionally. Thankful!
I haven't done taxes yet- no time maybe Sunday when Jamers and I are both home.
Rockband is ubber fun and we play it whenever we can (basically after Xander's in bed and I'm not too exhausted)
I'm becoming a raging emopalozza since I don't get enough rest - my new theme song "One Step Closer" by Linkin Park.
Otay that wraps up a synopsis of life. I hope all goes well i don't get on the computer basically at all anymore. I'm surprised i got these 10 mins.


Almost 11 months

I can't believe Xander's first year has almost gone by. Our three months of visitors off and on appears to be dragging on into at least March of this year. Cabe & Sara are probably coming up at the end of the month and my mom is planning on making another trip up around Xander's birthday in February.

So KurtXine was kind enough to take Xander today so we could have some down time together which we haven' had since before Alisha and Ryan were here back in November. I bathed the dogs, changed the bed, had a massage, we took a shower, had lunch and played around with the rockband. Otay, I SUCK at guitar though I didn't try for too long before becoming frustrated, but that was the other day. Today I started with drums, which I also SUCKed at but got better as I tried over and over. However my happy point came when I did the singing. I nailed my practice song, so we did a quickplay for the two of us and I nailed 100% on both easy songs, Drain You and Float On. I was so happy. We were just going to start our own band when . . . . .

I asked Jamers why it is so cold in the house? He said well it is Sunday so the temp should be warmer than during the week at this time. I check the thermostat and notice an odd thing. That although it is set to 63, the thermostat says 60. Er, that isn't right, is it? So I jack it up to see if I can get it to kick on, and nope. It starts up for about 30secs and then kicks off again. Jamers took a look at the book and determined that the error code means that there is a problem with the pressure switch and there are several possibilities with what the actual problem is with that. All the electrical connections are good, we tried turning it off and rebooting, but no go. We even tried the breaker just in case something was funky there, but no luck.

So now I've got a call into two HVAC companies half hoping we can get somebody in here today. Otherwise with the temps tonight, it will be Fing cold not only for us, but also for babyman. However, only half hoping because service from a contractor on a weekend, especially a Sunday is going to cost $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ - $$$$$$ that we don't have! If they have to come here tomorrow I guess that means I'm going to have to take the time off to be out here to let them in, but then it should be normal rates I would imagine.

James asked last night why I'm always stressed out and I told him because there is always something to be stressed out about. Today proved my point. I was just starting to have a good time when this happened and now I've got to worry about how we will pay for whatever the repair is. The only thing is that I know we shouldn't have to replace the fing thing since it was brand new when we moved in.

Yeah, so there went my stress free day. Oh, well guess that is the way the cookie crumbles. Why does stuff like this always happen to us?



I was remind tonight why I just don't play well with others. I got Jamers Rockband - The Beatles for Xmas, at great expense, but I figured one gift in two years was okay to splurge a little on and something I knew he wanted that would be awesome for him. He loved it. As I am not a fan of the Beatles (yes, yes, you can get on my case about that later) I then purchased Rockband 2 so there would be songs I would want to participate in. I was looking forward to singing and maybe playing an instrument. As I didn't jump on trying it out before tonight I think I ruined it for myself. Our friends were over today and I realized that I can't play the way I want to so I won't be playing the game with them.

This has made Jamers sad I think. This isn't the first time that my desire to not play with others has upset him. After the last two go rounds of gaming when I figured out that 1) I can't play with others who won't roleplay and 2) who I feel incredibly intimidated by, I just don't game anymore. I know that was one of the things that he loved about me and one of the reasons he was so attracted to me to begin with and now it is gone. I pretty much have no want to game anymore. I miss roleplaying, but for me it has to be in a comfortable atmosphere where I won't get snide comments about my character and I will be allowed to play my character. So I just don't play anymore.

I think he was ubber excited when I told him I would play Rockband, but now since I lost all desire to is upset again. I think the moral here is for me to never show any interest in something to him so when something comes along to F-it up I don't disappoint him.

On the other hand, I'll get to spend more time bonding with the little dude when they play - right?



Short bits as Xandman is sleeping for what could be 10 mins or 2 hours ;)

1) Jamers found a full time job - at almost half of what he made when he was working full time previously. As the company he had been working at part time on call didn't have him work in November and most of December it was a blessing he got this job. He's doing tech support for Apple products. Not what he wants, but it should keep the roof over our heads and food on the table and right now that is all that matters. The best part was the job that was part time starting ramping up about mid December (while he was in training on new job working swing shifts) so he would work both jobs. The old company (we'll call it Printing) was surprised to find out that James had gone out and got a second job. I don't know why they would be surprised. They know he has a mortgage and a baby and er, hello! No hours in November and first half of December. What do they think pays the bills? Love? Ha!

2) Xander continues to grow and is adorable. Xmas was a tad uneventful as he doesn't really get even opening presents yet. This next Xmas should be far different.

3) I truly hate the company I work for (yes I'm just repeating myself now). They didn't give raises this year and we aren't getting any bonuses, but that isn't why I hate this company. I mean we are in the construction industry, I'm just happy to have a job, right? No I hate them because 1) the move of the office and the stupidity of what they did/didn't spend money on there. I believe I may have vented off about that before so I won't go into that now. 2) They had an open house at the beginning of December for our customers, vendors, employees, etc. I don't even know how much money they spent on the stupid thing, but right before the actual event, they purchased exercise equipment for the "workout" room. Equipment that the employees can't actually use yet (or maybe ever) due to our parent company not getting us the lien waivers that we have to sign before we can use the equipment. Why the big push to buy what had to be at least $10k of equipment if the employees can't even use it? To LOOK like a company who cares about its employees for the open house - why else? Oh, and I just found out that they are getting an espresso machine in the very near future. Why? We have coffee machines, and who the hey is going to operate and clean it? Basically I hate my company because it cares more about appearances than its employees. Hell we got to leave work at 3:30 on Xmas eve, great except for the fact that the PMs get off work at 3:30 anyways and the PAs (my position) leave at 4. We didn't even get that for New Year's eve. See the thing is, we know that money is tight and that is why nobody got raises and we won't get bonuses. But the LEAST they could do is show they do care by letting us out a little early to say "Thank you for all the hard work." Anyways that is where it lies.

Jamers should have insurance in about 60 days for him and Xandman. Then I can start looking for a new job closer to home and a company that hopefully does care more about its employees than they do about how the world thinks they care about it's employees.

3) We've had oodles of guests in the last three months which has been wonderful and stress inducing at the same time. I love visitors, but as I've come to learn, routine is pretty important for babies, and having others in the house just throws Xand's routine all off. We'll see if we can get back on track in 2010.

4) On the Xand note - I love the little guy but boy do I not have the maternal instinct. Jamers asked yesterday how I felt about being a mom. I told him to be quite honest I don't really like it (yes, I admit that freely!) but that is because I'm not a baby person I never have been. I'm just waiting for the time I can play and read and go places with Xand and that time isn't really here yet. I mean we do those things, but he doesn't really know and I'm totally uncomfortable (even after all this time) with being alone with him. Like now. Jamers is working (his new schedule M-T-W-F-Sa) so I have Xander all to myself on Saturdays. And guess what? Last night I started to get stressed out and have anxiety about having to watch him by myself today. At least I'm honest, right? So far things have gone okay. He is napping and I ate breakfast, I've had coffee and I'm just waiting for him to wake up to give him his 10 feeding and play time. I've thought of perhaps going on a walk with him, but I don't know with this cold weather and his little body.

5)We are members of the Oregon Zoo now, and our passes allow us to go to the Zoo for James and I for free as much as we want for the next year. Xand is under the chargeable age, and we can bring 1 guest each visit for free, plus free parking, discounts on merchandise and its apparently tax deductible.

Anyways Xander is starting to stir, so off I go. We're alive, probably keeping the house, and healthy and we are looking forward to 2010 being a phenomenal year for us. Toodlies.

so we've just about had it

savings is almost gone. James has worked 1.5 days in the last three weeks, and his unemployment that he may or may not get is a joke. I've done everything I can think of to save our home, but as we have no way of getting help and the giant joke that is Bofa's mortgage department is dragging their asses on getting our loan mod finished. I guess they want another foreclosure on their hands.

So we have a couple options really. James gets a full time job and we try to scrape by and keep the house - this is the least likely scenerio. I find a part time job and we scrape by and try to keep the house - this is a work in progress. Apparently I'm overqualified for a part-time job at Target, JCPenney, Toys R Us or Ross. I keep looking but as my part time is nights and weekends, there isn't much I can apply for. We can stay in the house and stretch the foreclosure once it begins and hopefully we can stay here until the summer when looking for a rental won't be so hard - this is the most likely to happen. Or we can hand over the keys to the bank once we start to fall behind and by surrendering the house I believe though I need to check that somehow it doesn't F our credit up as badly.

In any case it would appear that my dreams are now dead. I have no more hope to give and my fight is long since gone. I know I brought this on myself for 1) thinking I could have a home, marriage and family and make it all work 2) falling in love with the same type of man that I always do - someone who needs a mother figure to keep them on track. I love him dearly, but the last year of his Fing around has put such a strain on our marriage (and finances) that I don't know if we'll be able to put it back together again after all the housing turmoil is through. Yeah I did say for better or for worse, but I also agreed to a partnership and that is something that hasn't been here for quite awhile. We'll see maybe something will happen to make it all better, but I don't know anymore. I'm so tired and stressed that I just can't think straight anymore. I worry about Xander, the pets, James, where are we going to live, finding creative ways to eat for less and pay the bills and stay on top of everything and still have the energy to do my job and not complain there and be cheery cause I need my job for the benefits and to pay the bills and I have no choices left to me anymore and I feel like a slave to everybody but myself.

This is not me. I used to be the one who cleaned my home and paid all my bills on time (well I still do, I just don't care about doing it anymore) and I used to be so together. Now I'm a shell of my former self just trying to find a reason to pull myself out of bed every morning. I have no more to give to anyone. I've ruined my life and Jamers and as much as I love Xander, we shouldn't have gotten pregnant and had a child. He would've been better off in a financially stable family than he is now. James would've been better off with anybody but me.

All I can seem to think about with clarity is if something were to happen to me James and Xander would have plenty of money to live off. How sad is that - I can do more for my family dead than alive.

Anyways, I must go and search again for a second job to try to prevent the inevitable from happening.


The computer is ruining our marriage


Jamers was once again fing around on the computer today instead of taking care of house business since his current employers once again didn't need him to come in.

Some friends up here who know what I'm going through with his addiction to the computer and lack of helping out around the house have previously offered an extra bedroom if I ever needed it to get away for a couple of days.

After today, I'm seriously considering taking them up on their offer. He couldn't even pay the bills today because he gets so lost on the computer.

Did I mention that we are probably going to loose our house? Yeah so apparently that isn't even enough to get him to get out there and apply for jobs that are less than desirable. When I questioned him about his lack of looking at ALL jobs, I was told something to the effect of "I would have to lie since I'm so overqualified" Well Mr.Overqualified - would you like to keep your house? I told him that what he is telling me is that essentially he is a big baby and doesn't want to look for lower end jobs. I asked if he even cared that we may start falling behind on the mortgage as early as the first of the year - he just stared at me and said nothing.

I'm going to tell him today - no more gaming. Not until he has secured either a second part time job or a full time one (preferably with better salary). I think he has been wasting quite a bit of time working on stupid gaming - creating character sheets, cards, etc when he should be out trying whatever he can to get a fing job so we can keep the house.

I'm gonna apply at Toys R Us as I see they are hiring. Target got back to me via email and said that they appreciated my interest but that I wasn't what they were looking for. Great.

Would I like to eat this month? Best part is when our savings runs out - probably by January we'll have nothing to pay the car insurance with when it comes up in February.

Gotta go, King Dufus just got back from picking up Xandman.


Nothing like finding out a conversation you had at home and thought was private is up on the Picasa for all to hear. On it I was venting about a co-worker. A co-worker who frequently visits the Picasa page to see pics of Xander. I just hope Jamers can pull the fing video off before she goes on there. I don't pick him and babyman up from teh airport for another 2 hours, plus the almost hour long flight back. I know he knows she looks at the page. I'm incredibly pissed off at him right now for NOT thinking before posting that.

I don't have access to the Picasa to edit, otherwise I would delete it right now.

God I hate technology.

Xandman is awesome!

Xandman starting sorta walking on Thursday night. He held onto a box while he stood up (one of his favorite things to do) and he then proceeded to push the box on the floor while moving his feetsies forward one at a time. I didn't count it as walking, though I've been told that was the beginnings of it. So for a test Jamers and I put him near the backside of his little plastic walking aid toy thing. He stood up, held onto the red handle at the top and pushed it on the rug while taking little steps forward.

So there you have it. At 7months, 2 days, he began to walk - be it little tiny assisted steps.

He is awesome in other ways as well. His crawling is like watching a duck glide across a lake. Other than his hands slapping the ground with each movement forward, his legs appear to just slide effortlessly behind him. It is rather gratifying to watch.

There are many, many pictures and quite a few videos up on Jamer's picasa page: http://picasaweb.google.com/angille should you wish to see the amazing Xandman in action. We still have a bunch he has not had a chance to get up on there yet. The "Alex Pro" were the shots we had taken on his 6 month birthday. He wasn't much in the smiling mood, but we got some terrific personality shots.

I've applied at Target for night/weekend work about a week or two ago. I haven't heard back yet, which I can't imagine in this economy is a good sign. They had several positions open though, so I'm crossing my fingers for a call.

The bank account continues to hemorrhage with no end in sight. We haven't heard a peep from BofA yet on our loan modification. The holidays are coming and for Xandman's first Christmas/birthday doesn't look like he'll be getting much from us other than our love. I figure that is okay though since he won't remember this year's holidays. The good news is with my b-day around the corner I persuaded my mother to not send money (I told her I would pay bills with it) so she is sending a gift card for Babies R Us instead. Which is exactly what we need to buy the formula, diapers, and miscellaneous baby things we need. That is a relief to know that is on it's way to us.

We need to come up with some babycare alternatives for when our daycare lady can't watch the little guy. It was painfully brought to our attention this week when she went to the hospital on Tuesday morning, that we hadn't thought of an assload of backup plans. Now that Xander is over 6 months we should be able to get him into one of those "day" care places where you can drop them off for the day (as opposed to our normal daycare where we pay for the week).

James continues to be the best daddy I could hope for for my baby.

Our house is totally trashed, and I had Noe come over on Thursday(?) to watch Xander while I cleaned one bathroom. I felt so fricken accomplished. During the week by the time we get home from work, James goes to make dindins and I watch babyman and after we've eaten, he's eaten, the pets have eaten etc, it's time to work on putting Xandman down to sleep, or take for us to take a bath and then sleep for us. This just doesn't allow time for cleaning during the week. On the weekends, I usually get the laundry done, some yard work and other miscell things but never really clean. I don't know how we can solve the mess issue but it is driving me up the wall. I hate the clutter and mess.

Kyiv Poopalous is a wonderful cat, however he has taken to peeing on the rugs throughout the house. I think it may be that his litterbox doesn't get cleaned everyday. I have rectified that though and I've taken that duty over again. I'm going to try to get up @ 4:30 again in the morning so I can take care of it before work.

My sister says she is moving up probably in the Spring. Though that will be ever so wonderful I'm just hoping we can hold onto the house until then.

I complain I whine I am depressed and miserable. I won't even get into all my work headaches because coupled with my home ones I'm on the brink of a breakdown. I told a co-worker yesterday that if things don't start getting better I will have a breakdown. I can only take so much. I feel like, although I never would, I could just walk away from everything and start over in like Bora Bora or something. Just let everything go - the work the house the family all of it. I never ever would but the thought has been crossing my mind. I'm not proud of it, but there you go.

So life is not getting better other than Xander has continued great health and is awesome.