I.kid.U.not.

Jamers was once again fing around on the computer today instead of taking care of house business since his current employers once again didn't need him to come in.

Some friends up here who know what I'm going through with his addiction to the computer and lack of helping out around the house have previously offered an extra bedroom if I ever needed it to get away for a couple of days.

After today, I'm seriously considering taking them up on their offer. He couldn't even pay the bills today because he gets so lost on the computer.

Did I mention that we are probably going to loose our house? Yeah so apparently that isn't even enough to get him to get out there and apply for jobs that are less than desirable. When I questioned him about his lack of looking at ALL jobs, I was told something to the effect of "I would have to lie since I'm so overqualified" Well Mr.Overqualified - would you like to keep your house? I told him that what he is telling me is that essentially he is a big baby and doesn't want to look for lower end jobs. I asked if he even cared that we may start falling behind on the mortgage as early as the first of the year - he just stared at me and said nothing.

I'm going to tell him today - no more gaming. Not until he has secured either a second part time job or a full time one (preferably with better salary). I think he has been wasting quite a bit of time working on stupid gaming - creating character sheets, cards, etc when he should be out trying whatever he can to get a fing job so we can keep the house.

I'm gonna apply at Toys R Us as I see they are hiring. Target got back to me via email and said that they appreciated my interest but that I wasn't what they were looking for. Great.

Would I like to eat this month? Best part is when our savings runs out - probably by January we'll have nothing to pay the car insurance with when it comes up in February.

Gotta go, King Dufus just got back from picking up Xandman.

Nothing like finding out a conversation you had at home and thought was private is up on the Picasa for all to hear. On it I was venting about a co-worker. A co-worker who frequently visits the Picasa page to see pics of Xander. I just hope Jamers can pull the fing video off before she goes on there. I don't pick him and babyman up from teh airport for another 2 hours, plus the almost hour long flight back. I know he knows she looks at the page. I'm incredibly pissed off at him right now for NOT thinking before posting that.

I don't have access to the Picasa to edit, otherwise I would delete it right now.

God I hate technology.

Xandman starting sorta walking on Thursday night. He held onto a box while he stood up (one of his favorite things to do) and he then proceeded to push the box on the floor while moving his feetsies forward one at a time. I didn't count it as walking, though I've been told that was the beginnings of it. So for a test Jamers and I put him near the backside of his little plastic walking aid toy thing. He stood up, held onto the red handle at the top and pushed it on the rug while taking little steps forward.

So there you have it. At 7months, 2 days, he began to walk - be it little tiny assisted steps.

He is awesome in other ways as well. His crawling is like watching a duck glide across a lake. Other than his hands slapping the ground with each movement forward, his legs appear to just slide effortlessly behind him. It is rather gratifying to watch.

There are many, many pictures and quite a few videos up on Jamer's picasa page: http://picasaweb.google.com/angille should you wish to see the amazing Xandman in action. We still have a bunch he has not had a chance to get up on there yet. The "Alex Pro" were the shots we had taken on his 6 month birthday. He wasn't much in the smiling mood, but we got some terrific personality shots.

I've applied at Target for night/weekend work about a week or two ago. I haven't heard back yet, which I can't imagine in this economy is a good sign. They had several positions open though, so I'm crossing my fingers for a call.

The bank account continues to hemorrhage with no end in sight. We haven't heard a peep from BofA yet on our loan modification. The holidays are coming and for Xandman's first Christmas/birthday doesn't look like he'll be getting much from us other than our love. I figure that is okay though since he won't remember this year's holidays. The good news is with my b-day around the corner I persuaded my mother to not send money (I told her I would pay bills with it) so she is sending a gift card for Babies R Us instead. Which is exactly what we need to buy the formula, diapers, and miscellaneous baby things we need. That is a relief to know that is on it's way to us.

We need to come up with some babycare alternatives for when our daycare lady can't watch the little guy. It was painfully brought to our attention this week when she went to the hospital on Tuesday morning, that we hadn't thought of an assload of backup plans. Now that Xander is over 6 months we should be able to get him into one of those "day" care places where you can drop them off for the day (as opposed to our normal daycare where we pay for the week).

James continues to be the best daddy I could hope for for my baby.

Our house is totally trashed, and I had Noe come over on Thursday(?) to watch Xander while I cleaned one bathroom. I felt so fricken accomplished. During the week by the time we get home from work, James goes to make dindins and I watch babyman and after we've eaten, he's eaten, the pets have eaten etc, it's time to work on putting Xandman down to sleep, or take for us to take a bath and then sleep for us. This just doesn't allow time for cleaning during the week. On the weekends, I usually get the laundry done, some yard work and other miscell things but never really clean. I don't know how we can solve the mess issue but it is driving me up the wall. I hate the clutter and mess.

Kyiv Poopalous is a wonderful cat, however he has taken to peeing on the rugs throughout the house. I think it may be that his litterbox doesn't get cleaned everyday. I have rectified that though and I've taken that duty over again. I'm going to try to get up @ 4:30 again in the morning so I can take care of it before work.

My sister says she is moving up probably in the Spring. Though that will be ever so wonderful I'm just hoping we can hold onto the house until then.

I complain I whine I am depressed and miserable. I won't even get into all my work headaches because coupled with my home ones I'm on the brink of a breakdown. I told a co-worker yesterday that if things don't start getting better I will have a breakdown. I can only take so much. I feel like, although I never would, I could just walk away from everything and start over in like Bora Bora or something. Just let everything go - the work the house the family all of it. I never ever would but the thought has been crossing my mind. I'm not proud of it, but there you go.

So life is not getting better other than Xander has continued great health and is awesome.

In this Episode: Life is the major suck but really what is new?

*we applied for a loan mod on our first mortgage when (if) it goes through should drop our monthly payments by $400ish dollars. Which is almost enough to pay for daycare. Of course we'll still be in the hole every month, but we'll be using less savings. Course as it takes 30-90 days for the mod paperwork to get all taken care of, we're still looking at 3 months of the same payments - we could fall behind in 3 months and then we wouldn't qualify - how fricken lame is that?

*On that note, of the 13 criteria they evaluate the ability to be modified instead of refinanced - we had 12. I believe we don't need all 13 - the one we didn't meet? Our credit scores are too fricken high. James' is in the 740s and mine is in 787. So because we didn't go out and spend more money then we had and paid our bills on time, it may come back to bite us in the ass, again.

*Thanx to the new credit regulations, even though we have excellent credit, never been late or missed a payment 5 of our credit cards are jacking up the interest to ungodly amounts. Granted we only have the one chase card with any sort of balance and that was the purchase last year of the roof on the fixed 3.99% apr (which they can not mess with thankfully!) We got a loan from James' dad to pay off the AMEX because that one did have about $2900 on it and they were going to jack the rates up to 17%+. So yeah, our cards will definitely be only for ERs - which is really nothing new but pisses me off. WE have to pay for other people's f-ups. I'm just so sick of it.

*Xandman crawls -fast but not in a coordinated locomotion way. He does one set of "crawl" and push/scoot. He can cross a floor in about a minute or so when properly motivated. Two teeth are all the way in. He is standing up (though wobbly and not for long) by himself. He is really smart and laughs and giggles and makes almost all the money worries disappear.

*I keep asking the universe to help us out with the money problem. I'm not asking for the lottery (though I would LOVE it), or some rich relative to die or anything greedy like that. I'm just asking it for get us enough to get us by. I don't want to lose our house.

*James is still part time on call and his ability to collect unemployment when he isn't actively working is soon over. He is also sick and not working today and tomorrow.

*I'll be out again tomorrow after work looking for part-time employment for weekends/nights. I'm so tired I don't know how I'll manage but we can't afford for me not to. This pisses me off to no end. I'm whiny, I know but damn it, I've worked since I was 13 doing all the right things, and taking care of myself and my finances. Now in a matter of one year I've gone from happy pregnant wife to stressed-out worry wort of a mother who has no energy to take care of her home or social life.

*The only positive is I have him, my babyman, my furkids and everyone is healthy (mostly), we have a roof over our heads (for now), we can all eat well, and our house is filled with love. I guess that should be enough to keep my happy, but with the worry it just isn't.

That was As the World Collapses brought to you by the Rabid One.

quickies for a Friday

*Xandman has gotten his first two teeth (not all the way through the gums but the majority of each of them is through) He has his real baby hair coming in, his eyes are still blue, and his hair still seems awfully red/light sandy brown/blonde which has me fleclempt.

*We got a new cat. Someone I work with (who should NEVER EVER NEVER have pets) wanted to get rid of him. As the shelters are overly flowing with household pets Jamers and I decided to take him in. He came with the name "Well his name is Smokey, but usually we call him fatcat, or tubby, or tummycat" We have renamed him Kyiv like the Russian city, but old school spelling. He is big and beautiful weighing in at 19lbs 14ozs when we took him to the vet Monday. They had not taken him to the vet since they got him, had been feeding him Whiskas, and to get him out from behind the couch so we could take him they shot him with a plastic gun/darts. Needless to say he was more than happy to go into the crate to leave their house. Since bringing him home, he has turned out to be quite the lovekitty and is totally well behaved. The only downside is he is long hair and I find myself brushing him morning and night. He is on weight management food and seems to just be enjoying our home and family.

*My work is moving our office in three weeks. There is a huge mess around our current office with everyone purging and recycling. It is excitement around the office at an unparalleled level since I've been there. The bad thing is most of us are moving into Workpods, not even cubes. The walls are like 5' high so everyone can see in and they are ubber small. Bascially think jailcell. I'm not even going to bring up the fact that the amount of noise is going to go through the roof with almost all 50+ of us out in one big room. I'm not looking forward to this at all.

*My job is slow right now. I emailed my PMs, my supervisor and other PAs in the office to see if anybody needed help. Unfortunately everyone is sorta in the same boat. It is nice though as I'm on top of everything on my desk and I'm actually getting around to saving emails in the appropriate job files on the network.

*I'm worried I may be out of a job within the next couple of months if work doesn't pick up.

*I'm going to an Acupuncturist tomorrow for the second time in my life and the first since moving up here. I'm hoping it goes well and I look forward to going on a regular basis. Since the birth my back/neck/shoulders have been in almost constant pain. Coupled with the fact that my tailbone has not fully recovered over the last 6 months and I'm pretty unhappy physically.

*I have dropped back down below pregancy weight now. Now I just have that last pesky 60lbs to drop to get back to my happier smaller days. Don't worry I never get real skinny even at 60lbs less I only ever dropped down to a size 10. That was with working out constantly. I'm just a big gal even when I'm ubber fit.

That is all for now. My 10 minutes of free time on the computer are long gone.

1)M temp totally and utterly fucked up everything she touched. I kid you not. My PMs have been more than over joyed at the fact that I've been back - even though it has only been for 2 days a week. They have a new appreciation for all that I do for them. One told me that I spoil them, one told me that it was a determent to have the temp there and that they would've been better off with no one at all. Not one of them, nor my supervisor had anything positive to say about my temp. I have quite a job ahead of me of cleaning up everything she did in the system. It was like she had no training, had no notes, and had no resources - when in fact she had ample training (I think like 5 weeks), had taken 2 1/2 notepads of notes, and had my supervisor and two other PAs to ask questions of. Needless to say I'm less than pleased at her lack of work ethic and ability. My new mantra however,"I'm just glad to have a job" is keeping me from totally losing it.

2) A close friend of my sister's is in the hospital and has been for like 3 weeks. First ICU, than CCU, and now in a regular room. I don't particularly like the person, but I love my sister and it is an incredibly hard time for her right now. As always, I wish I could just make everything better for her.

3)Xandman is growing and doing fine. I'm not. I'm frustrated at the whole breastfeeding thing, but I don't want to formula only feed him for the bonding and health that breastfeeding entails. It's a double edge sword to say the least.

4) I think something is wrong with me. I'm dizzy off and on for like the last week or two. I'm getting plenty of water so I can't be dehydrated. I'm tired to the point of tuning everything out exhausted. I'm so tired that when I speak in the evenings I feel like my words are a million miles away from my head - that they aren't coming out of my head at all. I don't like this feeling one bit. I've had some pains in my sides off and on. I have some weird solid white mass coming out of a place solid white masses shouldn't be coming out of. That has been happening off and on for weeks as well. My milk still not where is should be so I'm going to look into taking some things that Betsy had previously suggested. Pumping takes all my break time at work which only contributes to my tiredness.

5) Xander starts daycare on Monday I'm worried and saddened and upset that we have no choice but to send him into the home of a stranger five days a week. I'm going to miss so much of his growing up that I just want to cry.

So that is my present mindset in 5 statements. Maybe in 2 or 3 weeks I'll have another 15 minutes to post. Who am I kidding? I go back to work full time starting next week I'll have even less time to computer. Pooplins

I went to my old place of employment today to join in their BBQ Friday and to say good-bye to an ex-co-worker who is becoming unemployed. Now I knew that one of the PMs in the office was expecting his first baby around the same time as Xander. In speaking to him today, I found out that his son shares Xander's birthday of 2/15/09 - really what are the odds?

Whereas both our babies are boys that is pretty much where the similarities stop. His son, Luke, was born at about 9 1/2 lbs, right where Xander was as of his two month check up on Tuesday. Luke who also had his two month check up is weighing in at approximately 15 lbs. Xander was in the 8% for weight, where Luke was in the 96% for weight. Xander was 23 1/2 inches long at 71% - Luke 26 1/2 inches long - 98%.

I was totally blown away. Granted Luke's dad is like 6'4" or 6'5" (I can't remember which) and well built even he is amazed at the size of his baby. He was in awe at Xander's size since Xander is on the lanky side and Luke is on the gynormous size. It was an interesting comparision to say the least.

I have so many things I want to post about but I've been away from the computer for the last couple of days. I've sorta given up on being able to accomplish anything when I'm alone at home anymore and that includes being on the computer.

Must toodle off now and see about getting some foodlins in my tumtum.

Apparently although we only need daycare for like 4.5 or 5 hours a day, but we need it for a full five days a week, that is considered full time care. Well we can't afford full time care if James is only working part time, so WTF?

Seriously, the amount of money he'll be making an hour will basically be paying for childcare, so why bother even working? He doesn't have bennies or any paid time off. Seriously I'm beginning to think that we are doomed to fail at this whole responsible adult thing and we should in fact just pick up and leave.

I'm incredibly depressed and I don't know how we are going to get out of this one.

I loved the sun this weekend. I got to go out and mow the lawns which took awhile. I didn't mind though because I got to be out in the sun :) I pulled a little bit of weeds up and did some hoeing as well. I want to get planter boxes and put some out on the deck and a large one alongside the downstairs bedroom wall and fence up until the gate. Xine was kind enough to run out to Home Depot with me and when I saw the prices of boxes I decided the I'll just get the spot all hoed up for now and maybe sometime in the future Jamers and I can build boxes. It would be better anyways as that why I can get exactly what I want aesthetically and size-wise.

TMI: I started my period again. I know that most women don't get them again until quite awhile after birth especially those that breastfeed. I guess I'm just one of the lucky ones. I told my mom about it and she kept saying, "I'm so sorry. I didn't get my period again after having you for over a year. I'm so sorry. Well I guess you are pretty fertile." Which honestly didn't make me feel better. I guess it wouldn't be too bad but I'm just getting over a cold I must've picked up in CA.

I had to start pumping and saving milk up for this week as I'm returning back to work tomorrow all be it part time. I pumped Saturday and I was surprised at the lack of milk. I pumped Sunday and the same thing. I'm only getting like half an ounce per side per pump. I've made sure to cut out the coffee and I've been drinking water like it is going out of style. Now little one has been fussy off and on so I was wondering if my milk supply is low. But he feeds like all the time, which is supposed to increase my supply. After the lack of lactation from the pump I began to wonder. Otay well he is drinking a lot himself so maybe he is taking most of what I have? No that doesn't really explain the continued reduction of milk.

On a hunch I looked up breastfeeding while menstruating and guess what? My period could cause a reduced milk supply. You know what else can cause a reduced milk supply? Being sick. So double whammy for my baby lately. No wonder I hardly get anything out when I pump. So now that my cold is pretty much gone I'm hoping that the supply starts to increase again. I just hope my period goes away soon. I guess they are totally irregular when they begin again. Luckily I haven't had any cramps (yet) but damn I'm angry I got it again. I had just finished up the after delivery bleeding.

Oh, and the sling isn't so wonderful for me actually. It is the only time Xander conks out and unfortunately it doesn't sit on my shoulder right. It works fine for Jamers, but he has wide shoulders and no breasts or tum-tum to get in the way of it slinging correctly. I put Xander in it so I can get the laundry and dishes moving along but then I can't really pump, I can't use the restroom and I'm getting a backache due to my bad back and working in the yard this weekend.

I'm griping a lot. Sorry. I'm sure nobody actually reads this anyways but I had to get that out. I'm tired and I'm definitely NOT looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. I'm going to have to deal with the mess left to me by the temp, learn how to pump in the bathroom without having myself hanging out there for anyone walking in the bathroom to see, and figure out how to eat and rest during my breaks when all I'll have time for is pumping.

Argh! I really wish life had turned out a little differently for us. This situation is quite stressful and I don't know what to do.

The other morning as Jamers was stepping out the door to leave for work we heard this loud bang noise coming from the direction of the garage. We ran in to the garage, but nothing looked amiss. Both cats were in the house as were the dogs. Jamers checked outside but he couldn't find anything out there either. He said he would go up in the attic over the garage when he got home.

By the end of the day we had both forgot the noise and I know I didn't think much of it. Nothing appeared to be wrong. This afternoon I went out to the garage and started a load of laundry. I had just remembered that I still needed to bring the mower in from the driveway. I unlock the garage door and begin to pull it up, only it doesn't move. My first thought is, oh, well it has been awhile since I opened the door, maybe I forgot to do something. I double check and no I do have the latching correctly. I try again. and again. and again. The door won't budge. It feels like it's being held down by a ton of bricks.

I call to Jamers and tell him that I can't get the door open. I then remember about the loud bang earlier in the week. He comes out, and tries the door but it won't move for him either. Than he looks up and it becomes far too clear that the noise we heard was the tension wire that holds the spring that pulls the door up was busted. The spring is no where to be immediately found and Jamers pulls the remaining mechanism off the track.

Eventually we find the spring. Jamers gets the door open with brute force. Apparently a garage door without the aide of tension to move it weighs down just like a ton of bricks. He got the door to work and moved the mower and garbage but now we're going to have to get new door hardware in order for me to be able to open it.

I think this is a sign that I need to play the lottery so I can win and we can fix all the little things around here, get the yard all landscaped, and I can stay home with the Xand man.

When someone says to you that Blondie and Abba sound incredibly similar and you don't want to punch them in the face.

That is love.

because everything is better with bacon :)


see more pwn and owned pictures

Otay so I decided to begin looking up part time jobs that I could do preferably on weekends and evenings. Did you know that every job requires you to have previous experience, from janitors to dishwashers. WTF? I can clean my house and wash my dishes, why do I need 1-2 years previous work experience to apply for said job?

Thusly I'm in a foul mood. My thought was if I could get a part time job as a second job, then Jamers could stay at part time and we'd only have to pay for part time daycare and he would be able to spend that much more time with Alexander. Well I guess that would be the case if he stays at part time but I'm guessing that is going to be the case. In this economy I just don't see how they'll be able to give him 40 hours anytime soon and we need income now.

Any suggestions as to what an Accountant with 13 years experience can do part time to supplement her income? Maybe I should check out the local movie theaters and see if they have anything open?

Santa Cruz trip was fun, but completely exhausting. I lost my voice the day after we got there and I'm just starting to sound normal again. We got to see most of our friends even if only for a short duration. The baby shower was wonderful. Xander handled the 12 hour car trip loverly, but we still broke up each way into two days to minimize the strain on us and him.

*and the crying has begun

Otay, where was I? Ah, yes, Santa Cruz. We got to eat at Mobo and have our evening time at Well Within. The hot tub ended up being a hot tub/sauna room for 80 mins instead of hot tub only for 50 mins not by any fault of ours they just set us up with the more expensive room. It was alright though because I think Jamers really appreciated the sauna and I know I appreciated the extra time. The only pooplins about our date night was that my sister who was babysitting, couldn't seem to appease Xander with milk and he kept crying. He seems to be going through a stage of constant eating and growing. He has finally outgrown his newbie clothes and is now into 0-3 month sizes. Actually he is wearing them because that is the next size but to be fair, most of the baby clothes we have had on him (including 0-3 months clothes) seem to be designed for fat short torso babies of which he is not. He seems to be outgrowing the length of his clothes, while barely beginning to fill them out width wise. I'm told that he will fill out and lengthen in alternating growth spurts so we'll see. So far he just seems to be gaining length while only slightly increasing in girth.

I have decided that going forward I will add a new tag, "Dear God what is that thing?" for all Xander development entries. Under the cut is the first entry to fall under that tag.

( Gross baby development )

On the trip I got a call from my boss "double checking" that I would be back part-time at 8 weeks and full time at 12, it not sooner. I was a little pissed off. When I spoke to her, I reminded her that the "8 weeks" was not 8 weeks, but April 11th which was when Jamers unemployment was going to run out and that I was only coming back part time if he didn't find a job. Apparently she doesn't remember all those little pieces of the discussion. I told her he did find a job and that we didn't have daycare set up yet as my sister was seriously considering it and we were on our way there and would discuss it with her that week. I guess my temp is screwing up far worse than I could've guessed and they really need me back. If we didn't need money so much (as we are now upside down financially) I would've told her in no uncertain terms that my 12 weeks would be taken in full. However as we do need the money, we are working out an arrangement with Jamer's employers so that he will work 3 days a week and I'll work the other two until my 12 weeks is up at which point we'll need to get a part time daycare provider until Jamers goes full time and we'll need a full time provider.

In any case, we'll be burning through our savings now as with James part time, and my full time after my maternity leave ends) we'll only have about $400 a month left after mortgage payments are made. With that $400, we need to pay the gas, electricity, water, garbage, credit cards, gas for cars, food, life insurance, phones, internet and now baby care, oh and the hospital bills for the delivery and pediatrician visits. Um, yeah, that $400 is enough to pay for our food bill with none of the other costs being taken care of and that is just grocery shopping - no going out to eat. James job better go full time otherwise he better find another part time or full time job. Or we'll end up losing the house which is the pooplins. Mom offered me money again this trip and Dad has as well. I don't want to take money from my parents at this stage of my life. Hopefully after I'm back full time, we can get the loan modified down and be able to get by until the New Depression is over.

Anyhoo, Xander is beckoning me to feed him and change him so I shall depart.

We leave on our road trip to Santa Cruz on Thursday morning. We're (at least I am) so excited to be going home to introduce Xander to our families. This time we are taking two days to drive given we have little baby X factor to take care of during the trip.

While we are there we're going to have a baby shower, day trip to SLO county (to visit with Jamers' family), stop through in South San Francisco (to visit with my poppa and his girlfriend), hang out with many friends, and most importantly we are going to have a night out going to MOBO SUSHI (ie: best sushi EVAR) and hot tubbing at Well Within. I've been looking forward to that date night forever. We have found decent sushi up here in the wilds of Oregon, but nothing compares with the variety of MOBO. And hot tubs? I don't think there is even a place you can rent hot tubs by the hour around here. I've checked it out before and I couldn't find anywhere. I guess in SC they are lucky to have Tea House Spa, Well Within and Kiva all within walking distance of downtown. As soon as I win the lottery, we're getting a hot tub in the backyard because they are a necessity of life for those peeps like me who need to unwind frequently.

The furkids are going to be looked after by Noe/Bryan and Kurt/Xine. Have I mentioned how good it is to have friends? It will require that the cats get shut in our bedroom during the day so the doggies can have the doggie door open but hopefully that won't create too many problems.

Anyways, just wanted to make that little post real quick before we begin the ritual of bedtime preparations. If Xander is having a good night, we may be asleep by 11.

Oh, and the baby sling is a wonderful thing. Jamers and I can do things around the house and still have the little guy with us without having to move the mosses basket all the time. Toodlies all.

Whew - I have sometime while The Xand Man sleeps to make a post! Lets see lots has happened lately.

Most importantly Jamers got a job! We are so excited that after, um, five and a half months he is once again employed. The poopy thing is it is part time to start (hopefully he will move to full time in a couple of months) AND he had to take about a 36% pay cut(in hourly rate, not counting the fact that he will be working half as many hours). Thusly, if he stays part time we won't be able to afford to live, especially with the cost of childcare even at part time. So while we are trying to look at the positive of him having a job, we are now forced to look at the fact that either he or I will need to secure a second job in order to pay the bills.

*Fifteen minutes after starting the post, he woke up and wanted feedings.

As a result, Jamers is going to call our primary mortgage company on Monday and see about us getting the loan modification as per the stimulus package. He did all the research and he is sure we qualify and could easily lower our payment. I'm skeptical as I don't think anything in my life has ever come without a serious price, but we'll see. He has to wait until Monday as my mom burned through ALL our 550 cell minutes in the first week and a half she was here. Right now we are like 18 or so minutes over that and so we are waiting until our new month before making any calls on our phones.

*Two hours later I got one more paragraph written. I'm starting to lose it as he wants to be fed like every hour. After I feed him, change him, swaddle him, and burp him it is just about time for him to start crying for food again.

I am a horrible mother. Not only do I not have any maternal instincts, but I can't seem to do anything right for him, not even breastfeeding. If I was doing it right he wouldn't need feedings every hour. I don't even have time to pump anymore between feedings. At least we got about a five hour stretch in last night before he woke up and needed to be fed again. We got to sleep about 1ish, after starting for bed around 10:30 - that is how long the cycle takes for us to close up the house, get him and ourselves ready and then get him calmed down enough (ie: fed over and over until he finally conks out)before we can sleep. He awoke around 6:30ish for his morning feeding. Poor Jamers only got another hour or so after that of sleep (because Xander wouldn't go back to sleep right away) before he had to get up and start getting ready for work. At least I got to stay in bed and sleep with Xander for another hour and a half.

So now, 3 hours of continuous feeding every hour, he is still wailing his head off and I'm crying. I don't know what else to do for him, I've got music on, just changed him, swaddled him, the only thing left is feeding him again, which I'm so tired of doing. It is incredibly tedious - breastfeeding.

I had so much more I wanted to post - but my non-stop headache from the last couple of days coupled with baby crying is making me leave the computer now. I have no idea how anybody does this - motherhood thing. I'm already sick of it and it has only been 3 weeks. I'm not trying to be a snot about it - but that is how I feel. I'm not cut out for being a mother and with Jamers out of the house now, there is nobody to help me and take him away for an hour or so where I can begin to feel like a normal Kelly again.

Toodles all - not sure when or if I'll be able to post again.

For those of you not on Jamer's or my email list: Alexander Lee was born on Sunday February 15th at 4:56pm. His weight was 7lbs 7oz (too bad not an additional 7 in there) his length 20 inches. Basically he was long and skinny - not really what his two stalky parents expected, but very appreciated.

The labor and delivery went pretty much to textbook and thanx to the miracle of drugs, I had very little pain during the contraction phase, although the pushing phase was pretty rough. All in all I shouldn't complain. My doc has assured me that for a first time pregnancy I could not have asked for better.

Jamers made a brief post with a link to pictures for those of you who may be interested. http://angille.livejournal.com/178984.html. My mom and Jamers were both there for the duration of labor and delivery. Our Oregon family, Noe, Xine, Bryan and Kurt were there off and on for our stay at the hospital. You'll see them in a few of the pictures, the lady with the OSU sweatshirt is my mom. She cried quite a bit that day for the euphoria of the event.

Unfortunately, I got in trouble with my nurse this morning as I was utterly exhausted. She pointed out that I didn't nap yesterday and that she saw me with my family and friends all day. She was ubber nice and saying it in a jesting but serious way. She was right of course. I've been so happy to have my family there that I let my own needs go. I'm sorta putting a stop to that, at least for awhile. I think we may do visitors once a day for an hour or so but no more than that. I'm just too fricken tired to do much socializing and recovering and taking care of Xander.

However I must now give props to the world's most awesome daddy ever! Jamers, who during my pregnancy had been pretty lax about getting involved has turned out to be the most devoted daddy. His maternal instinct far exceeds my own and his ability to take care of the baby is unbelievable. Our daytime nurse commented about his mad mommy type skills - she, my mom, and myself are all extremely impressed. Honestly, I could not have found a more perfect life partner than my Jamers. I love him so much and I'm overjoyed at his daddy abilities.

Well that was my five minutes of free time before napping and the next feeding. One day when time allows I'll post a more detailed post about the big day. For now, just know we are all fine and home and life is good even if it is tiring.

at least I hope. I had contractions again throughout the day, but they stopped around 3ish or so. Oh well. Xander will show up when he wants to, right? Anyways, my mom is flying in tomorrow - I'm so excited! She has only been up here once, right after we got the house, almost two years ago. So much as changed since then. She hasn't met Shelby or Honey or Scully I think she is going to be so delighted to be here with us and the baby.

In not so great news, yesterday a firetruck was parked in front of our neighbor's house. The lights were on but they didn't use the siren - I told Jamers that isn't a good sign. Eventually they took off, and we kept our eyes open but didn't see any indication of a coroner coming to pick up a body. Our neighbor to the south is an older gent whose daughter lives with him. I was worried he had passed. Well early this afternoon we left to go get the one last piece of furniture for Alexander's room (at Goodwill because we are that cheap) and when we got back there was a mobile health care van delivering a mattress (and I assume a sick bed but we didn't see one). They were there for awhile than took off. Then about an hour or two ago, Jamers noticed there was an ambulance parked in their driveway, once again without the sirens or lights. The good news is James saw them take the old man out on a stretcher back into the house. Jamers has speculated that perhaps he was at the hospital and they had the medical delivery today so that the man could come home. Given my experience with granny, I would say that isn't necessarily a good sign. We don't really know them too well, Jamers has gone over when we lost Mulder to check their backyard and the lady was real nice. What do you say to someone who you barely know when they lose someone close to them? Not to mention, I'm on the brink of popping out a new life. I'm just all sorts of confused I guess.

Today has been another day of wait and see. I'm very bored, at least if I were at work I would be passing the time being productive, but then again I would be so stressed that it wouldn't be worth it. I had somebody from work call today to check in. Apparently she texted me but alas, we don't have texting on our phones, so I didn't respond. Why, when somebody texts a number that does not have texting, does it not bounce back to reply as such? My aunt apparently had tried texting me several times earlier this year before I talked to her to tell her no we don't have texting. To me a phone is a phone. If you have it in your hands, just call the person if you want to speak to them. Anyways, so I spoke to Mel and I told her that I was just too stressed to come back after Monday. She said, "I think things are going well. (Temp) has been quiet. I see her in Tina's office quite a bit." "Oh. So 5 solid weeks of training and two and a half notepads of notes aren't enough to help her out. Why am I not surprised?" "Seems like everytime I turn around she is in Tina's office." "And that would be why I haven't been back since Monday."

So yeah. I guess things aren't going to swell since I left. Oh well. I'm not going to sweat it whatever mess I come back to I come back to.

Now I'll toodle off as din-dins should be ready soon. We are about halfway through B5 Season 4 but I have no hope of finishing it off again before Xander arrives. Plus my mom, not the biggest sci-fi fan so oh well!

I had originally planned on working through this week, Friday being my last day before taking my leave. However, I had not planned on the fact that my body would have its own ideas about when I should stop working.

I apparently did not listen to the rather large deal my body made last Friday what with the migraine and all. Monday I went to work and began having contractions around 10:15. They were pretty far apart and definitely mild, but enough of a nuisance that I was like otay, no more work. I stayed through Monday and decided Tuesday morning, that although it gives me less time with Xander on the back end of leave, it was time I stopped going in. The stress of just being there, coupled with my temp's inability to be able to do the simplest things without screwing up was just too much.

How much you might ask? I had a nightmare last night where I went in today to do a few things, and saw that there were like 25 emails from Tuesday, all unread. I asked her, "did you take care of any of the emails?" and she replied,"only the one about dessert." That started the dream on the path of anger. She is holding some folder that looks unfamiliar to me, I ask her what it is? She states that it was some presentation folder she found on the network. I ask her if somebody had asked her to print it? And she said no. So then I ask her if she had started running projected cost reports and billing reports on Tuesday like she was supposed to. She stated, nope. She wasn't sure what to do. Then I started ripping her a new one in regards to how on Monday I told her the the importance of getting the billings out and then projected costs and how could she not have started them? And what was she doing if she wasn't replying to emails and printing things that were completely useless? This went on for about 5 minutes of real time ranting at her about her total lack of common sense.

The sad thing is that she really is like that. So all in all I'm incredibly glad I don't have to be there to continue to hold her hand. She had 5 weeks of training with me everyday and if she doesn't get it by now, she just doesn't get it. We'll see how much of a mess I come back to in a couple of months.

Anyways, so Monday contractions, but the closest they ever got was about an hour apart. Tuesday I had some later in the day and they never got closer than every 3 hours. Today? Not but maybe one or two - but I'm incredibly tired. In fact I can only count on one hand how many times I've been this exhausted before in my life. Jamers has this theory that my body is resting because it knows the energy it will be exerting soon. We'll see. I just want my baby in my arms already. I'm so fricken inpatient.

Well must toodle, Jamers went and picked my up the horrible dinner of my choosing tonight. Large fries, chicken nuggets, cheeseburger and milkshake. Yes I know, but I'm pregnant okay?

My Jamers was born! So he is now 28 and soon to be a daddy. (Yes, I rock the cradle of love) He doesn't have any clue what he wants to do today, which is both frustrating and good because I could start labor at any minute :) and it would be very annoying to be at a movie or something and have to leave.

Also, we watched Dexter (the first four episodes anyways) yesterday with Noe and Bryan. I think Jamers and I both really enjoyed it. Last night I was saying to my beloved, great, now we have another show to be addicted to. Luckily for us, Noe has stated that Bryan will buy her the first two seasons on DVD so we should be able to watch those at some point. Add to that Arrested Development and BSG and we may forever be in limbo on getting through any of them.

Our puppy playdate for today has been canceled. I guess that leaves Jamers and I on our own for finding something around the house to do together today.

Hope all your weekends are going well.