The cliff
Sturdy, tough, holding itself up
Staring into the face of the big blue

The Ocean
Powerful, constant, relentless

Without the ocean the cliff is like the rest of the earth
it loses its purpose, its identity
Without the cliff the ocean knows no bounds
it overruns the land, freely goes where it will
They need each other to be what they are

Ocean gently lapping against the cliff
Over and over
Slowly chipping away its mighty facade

No malice intended
The ocean does what is in its nature
The cliff can't stand up against the force

Pieces slowly erode away
Back into the ever powerful ocean
The core falling apart
Nobody notices until its too late

People will stay away
Too dangerous to be near
the cliff is about to fall apart
Only the ocean will remain

Well it went something like that in my head as I was falling asleep. I hate that I can come up with these witty interesting lines when I'm about to fall asleep. I always promise myself I'll remember but in the morning when I go to write it down it sounds like poo. I guess I'm a poet in my heart but not in my head.

Oh, and no critisims please. I'm really fragile emotionally right now, thanx.

Today started off great, than by 3 or so in the afternoon, everything went down hill. Now I'm back to feeling like pooplins and I've lost all interest in anything related to Portland, looking for a job, or moving. I can't believe how quickly I can go from feeling real great about myself to feeling like shit. Guess I just have to live with that.

I'm so the pooplins that I plan on going to bed and maybe reading soon as I'm done with this. I wanted to crawl into bed ealier but distracted myself with internet crosswords for awhile. I had to stop playing though. I always hate it when I start to feel stupid, and I began to get that feeling. I gave up and let James finish it.

Work today was great. I got a whole gaggle of things done. I so wish I could just take my job to Portland. I told Christine today that they need to open a Slatter up in Portland. She thought it was a great idea, hahaha. My mind is jumping all over the land of self defeating. I'm beginning to question my worth again and my abilities as an Accountant. These feelings are not good for me or the people around me. Poor James just wants me to be happy, but he can't quite seem to grasp that I'm not wired that way. Hopefully, by our ten year anniversary or so he'll have accepted the fact that as a happy person I just suck. Feeling hurt and angry and sad and useless are feelings that just come much more easily to me. Being happy is something that comes in little fleeting moments. Don't get me wrong, I love being happy, I just can't seem to hold onto it for long.

Anyhoo, the snoring baby lovelins on my lap tells me that I should off to bed now. I'm hoping that something fantastical happens tomorrow to get me up on another high. I really, really, don't want to have another emo breakdown this week. I can't afford to lose the pay.

I have this stupid habit that I can't seem to get rid of. It goes a little something like this:

Something hurts me or upsets me
I get dibilitated by it. I shut down emotionally. I become withdrawn. I want to curl up and die.
I tell myself that after "X" event or day occurs I won't have this problem anymore. I tell myself it will all be okay. It usually takes me a couple of days to be at this point.
"X" event doesn't happen or the day never comes. Then something related to the original upset happens.
I get hurt or upset again. The process then starts all over.

Isn't this unhealthy? I do have one issue that has been going on for a long while. I kept telling myself that once we move away everything will feel better. Now I fear that isn't going to be the case. So I'm back to square 1.

Oh, and I feel incredibly hung over to day for no real reason. I did take cough syrup last night, but it is 10:30 by now those druggy feelings should be gone. Oh, well. Maybe I'll be able to sneak a quick nap in this afternoon before we head south.