You're 45% Irish

You're probably less Irish than you think you are... But you're still more Irish than most.

I'm actually less Irish than that, blood-wise anyhoo. I'm probably closer to 25% Irish, 35% German, 35% Italian, and with English mutt type stuff making up the balance.

Ohhh, Corn beef and cabbage day is right around the corner, but there is no granny to make the dinner. I just don't know what to do for St. Patty's day now, Pooplins!

Back to yesterday's half entry, I got home from my running around and realized that I was supposed to be up at granny's shortly for the division of knick knacky things. Ended up that when I got there, only my cousin Liz was there and her parents. Eventually my other aunt showed up and we started going through things. Kayla showed up after about an hour and than Mikey stopped by for like 10 minutes. My sis couldn't be there because she was working, my mom is on graves and was sleeping, and my cousin Jeff is in Washington DC being an intern for Sam Farr (poor baby!).

It went fairly well. It took sooo long though, granny had a lot of knick knacks and paintings and kitchen and Xmas stuff. It was funny how many things she kept even though they were chipped or missing something. I guess she really was a pack rat. I think everybody walked away with stuff that really meant something to them. A bond between granny and them. Nobody argued over anything. The result of 4 hours+ of division left me with: couch, two easy chairs, her daybed, dining room table, and china hutch. I just didn't want anything to leave the family and neither did my family. I think they were all super hyped that the furniture that granny and grandpa had from when they were kids, will now be in our home (when we buy one) and we'll cherish it always. Jamers was so good about it. He told me to take whatever I wanted because he knew it would make me happy to have reminders of granny everywhere. I took a small portion of knick knacky things and xmas stuff. There is still more and I might yet go through more of it and pick some other items that I don't want going up for sale at a yard sale.

The best thing though, was that my aunt Sue had taken a necklace that belonged to granny and had it made into bracelets for us grand daughters. It is just a bunch of black beads, but that way we all can have a part of granny with us all the time. I'm so happy to have it. I've been wearing it nonstop, well 'cept for when I shower, but I've been sleeping with it on and everything.

After all the family stuff I came home to watch the end of the gaming session. Kurtxine went with us up to Mission Taquiera for dinner and then the headed on home. I was feeling real drained so I hit the bed early and read.

That was the end of Sunday that was. In other news, my cheeks/undereyes are awefully warm again. I'm afriad this sinus thing is still clinging on, pooplins!

here I go again. Christine (one of my bosses) at work is being both supportive and making me rethink the Portland thing. "Stay a year or so in Santa Cruz and see what happens, you never know." So I started thinking again about staying in SC and renting. Looking in the paper, it just doesn't make sense to rent here when we can own a house for the same amount of money for the same size place in Portland. But I started thinking about it nonetheless. Then I talked to my mom on the phone this evening, she is doing the same thing.

"Stay in Santa Cruz awhile, you never know. Maybe something will happen here. Maybe when the house sells, the people who buy it won't want new renters."

"Mom, renting from you guys and writing a check to Uncle Mike every month I can handle. I just can't deal with renting granny's apartment from anybody else."

Then we changed the subject. I was ready to cry on the phone. Now I am crying. I'm having all this stress because people in my life that are important to me are so trying to subvert us moving. When I tell people we are moving to Portland, every one asks why. James said we should print out a little manifesto of "why" and hand it out to people who ask. I need support from my family and friends, (there are supporters, those who either have moved or are moving to Portland) and it feels like everybody is trying so hard to keep me here. I don't know if they are thinking this is all just a piece of cake for me. You know, to pick up my whole fucking life and move to a foregin city where I will only know a handful of people and get yet another job and move and leave all my family and most of my friends behind. I have a news flash, this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'm trying so hard to keep perspective of how this is better in the long run. It is hard to do that when I feel like I'm letting so many people down. I've always tried so hard to be there for everybody else in my life and now when I really need them the most, it feels like they aren't there.

I'm just rambling and not making sense and probably not even saying half the thoughts I have floating around in my head right now. My head is throbbing from crying. I don't want to move. I don't want to find a new job. What I want is to continue my life in my happy place. But when the decision to sell the place I live at was made, I had no choice. James and I went through the options. In fact, we continue to go through them. I keep trying to find some way for us to stay and make everybody happy. But the only way we can own a home and have kids is to move away from here. Financially, we just can't do it. Oh, we could buy a house here. And never do anything again. And never have kids. And all the money we make would go to scraping by, just so we can own a house here and please other people. Then what would the point be? We want a house. We want kids. We want to take vacations and James wants a car and we want to know that we can save money for rainy days. Santa Cruz just doesn't provide that.

I don't know why I'm typing this out. Maybe for memories. Years down the line I can look back and say, boy was that a difficult time. Look at how messed up I was. I don't know. I just know that I feel this need to pour out my stress and hurt and sadness and get it out of my system.

Granny and I used to talk, alot. I would go up after work and sit down. "You can only stay 5 minutes. I've got to start dinner. Michael is coming over." "I know granny. I just wanted to talk." 45 minutes later she would shoe me out the door. That was how close I was with my granny. She was my mom and one of my best friends. As she had been getting older, she often would mention selling the house and buying one that was small and single story (her knee was bad). I told her she couldn't sell the house. This was the house that had been around since the beginning of my time. My parents lived in the house when my mom was pregant with me. They lived there when I was born. That house is a center of my life. Granny would say to me that I never had to worry about having somewhere to live. I never asked her what that meant, but I guess I should've. See I thought she meant that as long as she was around I could rent this apartment, and after she was gone, she would make sure that I would have something to help me get by. I guess I was wrong. There was nothing for me when she left. I'm not saying that to be greedy, honestly I don't care about the money. What I care about is the fact that she made me feel like she was going to help take care of me, cause she was my granny. But that wasn't the case.

So now I sit in my apartment of 7 years. It sits in front of the house I was born in. I sit in a room filled with half empty shelves, and boxes filled with books and memories. In less than two weeks, this house will be offically up to the highest bidder and there isn't a gosh darn thing I can do about it. I find myself sitting here thinking about how much I miss my granny. I find myself sitting here realizing that my life will never be the same. I have to move on and let things go.

My most wonderful husband has made food and despite the fact that I'm not hungry, he's made me a plate to eat. I'll go and eat and watch tv and hopefully forget all about today. Hopefully tomorrow when I wake up, I'll forget about all of today's pain and I'll be able to be strong again.

So, I am sick. Not as bad as Jamers, but my brain is having a problem telling reality from fiction. I took some Theraflu and came into work late anyhow, but yeah, my mind is fuzzy. That being said, we didn't really have portable food for me to bring to work for lunch/breakfast. So I just didn't bring anything in.

Crystal asked me a little while ago if I wanted anything as she was going out to get food. It sounds silly I know, but I asked for my comfort food, Mickey Ds. For those of you not in the "know" that is short for McDonalds. I was craving my comfort food so I asked and she got it for me. I got a Quarter Pounder with cheese and a fry. When she brought it back I was soolooo happy! As I started eating I remembered why these are comfort foods for me.

When I was a kid, Granny (and when he was alive, Grandpa,) would take me to McDonalds as a treat. Granny used to tell the story of how they would take me to Mickey Ds and get me a burger and a small fry. Over the next hour or so, she and grandpa would eat and read the paper as I would pain stakingly feed myself french fries, one at a time, slowly eating each one. I think eventually they would be pushing me to finish them up so we could go. For as long as I can remember, I always eat my french fries one at a time and savor each one. I think that as it was something I did as a child, I subconciously continued on as I grew up doing it. I love french fries and when I eat them, especially Mickey Ds, I feel all warm and fuzzy. Weird that food can do that huh?

Not sure if my sentences were coherant or not. Like I said my brain is fuzzy. But as I sit here typing my post and eating my french fries one at a time, I think of Granny. I think of the days when I didn't have to worry about things like work or where I was going to live. Death and dying never crossed my mind. All I did was live in the moment and enjoy my fries one at a time. I wonder when I lost that ability to take everything as it comes instead of planning and worrying. Anyhow, french fries are my comfort food.

That is a damn good question! Lets see, we got all the laundry done, and let me tell you that was quite a feat. I have a few more to fold tonight, but for all intsects and porpoises the laundry is done.

We decided no on a tree this year. We don't have the space and really don't need to waste the money on one. My solution to no tree is to tack the ornaments to the living room ceiling from fishing line. I haven't finished yet, but so far things look pretty good. I like the way the space feels. Hopefully tonight I'll be able to finish hanging them and get the lights up around the house as well. Where will we put any presents? I hadn't thought of that. Maybe on a book shelf that ends up naked when we box up the books. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

We saw Erin Friday night and watched more episodes of Firefly. We had a two hour lunch with Pat & Theresa from my old job Saturday. KurtXine came over Saturday afternoon and we went to Mobo for dinner and then came home and watched more episodes of Firefly. They left that evening for home, but came right on back Sunday for gaming. Sunday we got up, went to breakfast (we hadn't planned on it, but neither of us were up for more dishes and for cooking), came home and got ready for game. The game group showed up, sans Bryan (who teleplays anyhow, but was missed) and we gamed. We finished gaming around 6ish, and Randy left for home. XineKurt stayed on, we ordered pizza and watched . . . yet more Firefly! I just can't get enough! KurtXine left around 9 and James and I got ready for bed and began the laundry fold of a lifetime. As we begin, there was a knocky-knock on the door. I went to answer and it was XineKurt. Their car's brakes went *pooplins* and they were stuck here. So they crashed on the living room floor with some blankies and due to rearranging of house stuff, we couldn't turn on the heater. I woke up freezing this morning and couldn't go back to sleep. So I be very tired today me friends.

In taking Xmas stuff down from the attic, I've managed to make more mess in the living room than I had hoped. So today I get to: finish laundry folding, ornament hanging, xmas lights, and if there is time: Thank you cards from the wedding (we both are the sux at this!), plan for moving! This includes looking into PODs, financial planning and budgeting, getting boxes and packing materials.

My mom refuses to discuss Portland with me. She is upset that we're moving out of state, let alone out of town. I asked her if we would ever be able to discuss it and she told me that right now is really hard with the holidays and granny being gone. I said I understood, maybe after Xmas we can talk about it. I told her we need to talk about it though because her acting like it isn't going to happen will not prevent it from happening. So things are a little ackward with her right now. I can't really talk to her about all the stuff going on with me. Normally, I would just run upstairs sit down and have an hour long discussion with granny about all the crap and she would listen and help me sort through it, but I can't do that anymore.

All I can say is: cha-cha-cha-changes!