to rent a house as opposed to an apartment. Really, I'm just not designed for close living quarters to other people. We don't want to have to get a storage facility as well, so a 2-3 bedroom house with lots of sq ft sounds like something that we are willing to shell out the extra dough for. I've begun the search today for houses. Hopefully, in the next couple of weeks we'll having the housing situation all figured out! James went ahead and reserved the Uhaul. We got the 26' which I'm truly hoping will fit all our stuff. The extra furniture from granny altered our original plans, but I'm most definitely not complaining.

Now if we can just find jobs! I've changed my resumes to reflect the Noss' address (Thanx Noe!) and have applied for a bunch of new job postings. I'm hoping that I'll get a reply or two out of it. If not than maybe I should respond to one of those, "I saw your resume. . ." jobs for some sort of sales position. I don't want to, but I need to have a job, right?

Anyhoo, breakfast, er . . .looking at the clock, lunch is ready and I shall toodle off.

Today started off great, than by 3 or so in the afternoon, everything went down hill. Now I'm back to feeling like pooplins and I've lost all interest in anything related to Portland, looking for a job, or moving. I can't believe how quickly I can go from feeling real great about myself to feeling like shit. Guess I just have to live with that.

I'm so the pooplins that I plan on going to bed and maybe reading soon as I'm done with this. I wanted to crawl into bed ealier but distracted myself with internet crosswords for awhile. I had to stop playing though. I always hate it when I start to feel stupid, and I began to get that feeling. I gave up and let James finish it.

Work today was great. I got a whole gaggle of things done. I so wish I could just take my job to Portland. I told Christine today that they need to open a Slatter up in Portland. She thought it was a great idea, hahaha. My mind is jumping all over the land of self defeating. I'm beginning to question my worth again and my abilities as an Accountant. These feelings are not good for me or the people around me. Poor James just wants me to be happy, but he can't quite seem to grasp that I'm not wired that way. Hopefully, by our ten year anniversary or so he'll have accepted the fact that as a happy person I just suck. Feeling hurt and angry and sad and useless are feelings that just come much more easily to me. Being happy is something that comes in little fleeting moments. Don't get me wrong, I love being happy, I just can't seem to hold onto it for long.

Anyhoo, the snoring baby lovelins on my lap tells me that I should off to bed now. I'm hoping that something fantastical happens tomorrow to get me up on another high. I really, really, don't want to have another emo breakdown this week. I can't afford to lose the pay.

I'm working on apartment searches, and boy there are a lot of apartments for rent up in Portland! I've sent inquiries to a dozen plus places so now I'll just sit back and wait until they start contacting me.

Once again, looking at all the websites people have sent my way, I'm feeling dejected about finding a job. Either the pay really is to small or I don't feel like I'll be good enough. Gads I hate this! I've never enjoyed looking for jobs. It is nerve racking and it causes me to stress and hurt. I'm seriously thinking of flopping on the recruiter idea and going with one of those. Or maybe a temp to hire thing, but then I lose months of benefits. I guess maybe I should just bite the bullet. Crystal at work told me that temp agencies are a good way to get a job and see if you like working in a place before you get hired on. She's right, I know she's right. Maybe after this sinus pain is gone (I've flushed with salt water, and took Nasal Decons, to no avail) I'll refocus my energy and jump back in.

We've decided to get a larger storage place. We have to move the bar up from SLO county, my cobra chairs from my mom's, the stuff in the attic, and whatever ultimately I get from the family source. It will cost over double what we pay now to upgrade to a 10x20 but it will be the easiest when it comes to moving. That and we only have like 4 months left. In some ways, that 4 months seems like such a long time, but in other ways I feel like I'm rushed. I think once I resolve the living situation and my own working situation that life will be that much easier.

Damnportlanders today there was a job posting that is perfect for Jamers. The guy unfortunately said they wanted someone to start in the next month. James sent his kick ass cover letter along with his resume, but I don't know how much good it will do. If they liked it, and James had to take off and live up there for without me for a couple of months it would be doable. I wouldn't like it, but we could make it work. But if it doesn't work out, that just means that something better is right around the corner for him. Everything happens for a reason, right?

It's 7:20 now, and I have to go to the kitchen to find dinner. We haven't grocery shopped in a while, and since I didn't nag about it, nothing got done in the way of dinner this evening. Oh well! That's the price I pay for trying not to have a marriage like my last one.

Good night all.